What All Men And Most Female Hairdressers Have in Common

Do you know what men and all ( male or female) hairdressers have in common?

The inability to grasp the concept of inches.

For example three inches is not six inches unless you are a man and/or a hairdresser.

I hadn’t had my hair cut in ages. My hair is always longish. The reason my hair is long is because when its long the weight of it drags it down and its not too full. I have a lot of hair. Actually scratch that, I used to have a lot of hair.

Last weekend I went to the hairdresser, hack it off, I told her. At least two-three inches please, I said. Four inches maximum, I said.

In hairdresser language this of course translated too take six or seven or eight inches off silly me.

She spent 49 minutes just cutting my hair. Chunks of over -coloured blonde locks were flying through the air. I was fine. That was fine. My hair needed it. Then she started muttering

“you’re so brave, you’re so brave”

Eh……..what the f***?? Was my obvious reaction.

The hairdresser went on to tell me most women come in and insist she only chops the ends of and they never agree to let her cut what needs to be cut. I started to get nervous at this stage.

Then she started cutting layers and cutting more and there was more over coloured blonde locks flying around the place.

Finally she was done cutting, then came the excessive blowdrying with several different brushes and then a ghd. The end result was fine. Shorter than short but fine because it had been professionally dried but I knew, I knew instantly what would happen.

Roll on Monday morning. No professional hairdresser in the house only me and my hairdryer and ten-year old ghd that hasn’t seen outside a drawer in years. Then my hair was not fine anymore. Now my hair is kind of a cross between a fuzzy Jennifer Aniston cut circa 1997 with Mushroom from Super Mario World with a little bit of aul -oneness thrown in.

And do you know why because there seems to be a problem with over half the world population, most men regardless of profession and most members of the hairdressing profession ( maybe a slight exaggeration) they perceive three inches as six inches. Losers. Actually we are all losers as a result. That is the problem and now I have a bowler style type haircut. It wont fit into a pony tail. It has many layers.

Woe is me. Woe.

I shall be wearing a lot of hats for the next while. And clips. Lots of clips.

Why I Am Very Impressed With The Ferry

Last weekend myself and my family travelled to Wales with Stena Line from Rosslare in Wexford to Fishguard in South Wales. We had an early start on the Friday morning, minutes before we left the house, we lifted the children from bed and put them into the car in their pyjamas and threw a duvet over them. We set off , boot packed full (which was a real pleasure being able to bring anything we wanted with no ridiculous baggage allowance), before the sun came up in Dublin and arrived in Rosslare a little under two hours later. Whilst waiting to board the ship, the kids were able to get dressed in the car and have a snack.

Via Stenaline

Excitement was high and the kids were spellbound as the car drove into “the ships belly”. There was no hanging around and within minutes we were getting settled in the Stena Plus Lounge ( there is an additional charge for seats in this area but if travelling with kids, I would highly recommend it). The lounge was spacious and comfy and there was a small children’s area with a television, fridge stocked with juices and pictures and crayons. Tea/coffee/juice and snacks are all provided complimentary in the Stena Plus Lounge and we were able to sit back and relax, while the kids played. I got to read a full newspaper and magazine from cover to cover and  the kids were also able to borrow a Nintendo ds and a portable dvd player in the lounge allowing the husband and I to read and drink coffee and chill out. We also had breakfast here and it was reasonably priced and probably the best food we had all weekend. We went up on deck a couple of times on the insistence of the children and there was also a small play area on another deck but the we were happy to stay in the Stena Plus lounge for most of the time as it was so nice  just to be able to sit and relax.

I am a terrible flyer. I hate it and I am not usually a pleasant travelling companion. I am surprised my husband still agrees to holiday with me after some of my behaviour over the years ( I make him run to the plane to get my preferred seat, I snap instructions, I get off my head on valium and he is left with sole charge of the children) so it so lovely to actually enjoy the travelling part of our weekend break. The husband wouldn’t pose for a “Im King of the world photo’s” with me up on deck so here’s one of the kids ,windswept, instead

nor was there any opportunity for this what with travelling with the children and all

In keeping with the Titanic movie theme  I really wanted to say to somebody  ”Paint me like one of your French girls” but there was nobody who even vaguely resembled Leonardo Di Caprio on board  just bikers, retired couples and a couple of other families so I made do with repeating any line I could think of from movies about boats to my husband instead and humming Celine Dion. His head wasn’t wrecked in the slightest.

The sailing took 3.5 hours and was thoroughly enjoyable as was the return trip. I was genuinely impressed with everything, the staff could not have been more helpful – at one stage I looked over to see my five year old asked the Stena Plus lounge manager how to get onto the next level on his Nintendo game and the manager was  leaning down assisting him- it was just so ridiculously stress free in a way I never imagined travelling with a 3, 5 and 7  year old could be. When funds allow, our next holiday will be somewhere on a ferry route, its the perfect way to travel with kids. Top marks Stena Line.

Stena Line have a number of special offers on at the minute and you can also use Tesco Clubcard vouchers towards the cost you can see all their routes and offers at www.stenaline.ie

We travelled on to Bluestone National Park in Wales and I will add a review of here later this week.  Please note Stena Line provided me with a free return Stena plus trip but I have not been paid for this review and all opinions are my own. 

Summertime – When Garden Birds Have A Better Sex Life Than You………

Bright evenings, occasional sunshine, slightly reduced heating bills, Summer, in the main, is good. I like Summer or rather I like most things about Summer. Then are the things that bother me about this season. Some irrational ,some not so much.

• The crushing disappointment that for every one day of sunshine there are thirteen days of rain and that even though we know this is going to happen, there is always the sliver of hope that this will be the year we get a good Summer then the rain pisses all over that hope.
• The smell of BBQ, I like the occasional BBQ. I don’t like the neighbours constantly BBQ’ing and allowing the smell of BBQ to waft all over the place so that then I want to eat BBQ food and my family want to eat BBQ food and they wont eat my non BBQ food and dinner time just becomes a greater big ball of disappointment and my non BBQ food doesn’t get eaten.
• The shorts argument I have I every year with myself. How does one actually wear shorts? Is there a cut off age? Where do you even buy decent shorts? I spend a ridiculous amount of time thinking about shorts but not wearing shorts. This is time that could be used better. 
• The hair removal. So much more time-consuming in the Summer. Constant. Feckin’. Leg Shaving. ALL THE TIME. Not to mention the whole fake tan not to fake tan, which fake tan, time-consuming musings.
• The “I am not going to bed, its bright” argument I have with my children every second night from April to October every year.

All of these are minor though,I realise that. Also I think these are problems a lot of people can identify with. My main irritant about Summertime is one that for some reason doesn’t seem to bother anyone else but it bothers me greatly or rather they bother me greatly. Wood Pigeons. Big huge, fat, hedonistic wood pigeons who spend a lot of time in my garden in the Summer months having sex.  I hate them. Detest them.

Feel free to read the following in a David Attenborough voice…….

They land in garden and march around. Preening and flirting. I can hear them walking on the ground, this is how big they are. Then the sex starts on the tree outside my window. Then the sex stops. Then the sex starts again. All day non stop riding from two fat pigeons. They don’t eat , they ride. They don’t fly, they ride. They don’t do whatever birds are meant to do, they ride.

Then they mock me. They don’t fly away when I roar at them. They smirk, then go and have another ride. They think my garden is the only place for sex in the Summer.

They are HUGE, super sized pigeons. I don’t think its coincidental that the number of missing small dogs posters multiply in the Summer months. I know these fat, care free, pigeons are swooping down and grabbing and eating these beloved pets to fuel their sex fests.

I was going to take a photograph of them , then I realised not only am I talking about them, I am now writing about them and photographing them too just seemed a step too close to insanity. Luckily I found one online. Bird porn. This is what is outside my window all summer long.

All Summer this is what will be happening. Doesn’t matter where I go in the house I can hear or see them. At it. Just having sex all the long day, not working, not cleaning, not paying bills or food shopping or breaking up arguments, just riding and most likely judging me on my not so active sex life. They have that look about them. They make eye contact at me and sneer, then go and have another ride.

If there is anybody else out there who gets deeply irritated about the 50 Shades of Pigeon Love in their garden every Summer, feel free to get in touch, maybe we could start a support group or something?

 

The Pool Party- A New Level Of Embarrassment

After seven years of parenting I had become complacent in thinking there are very few things left that embarrass me. After giving birth three times loads of people have seen all parts of me, years of breastfeeding mean most people in the general vicinity have seen my boobs  , I’ve applauded public pee’ing,  I’ve sat and cringed while one of the children repeated something I said about a person in front of that person. The list goes on and as a result not a lot phases me any more or so I thought, until, yesterday. 

What’s worse this was all my own doing, I have nobody to blame but myself.

My eldest daughter was 7 at the start of the month. Parties are very important to this 7 year old. Between one thing and another the party only took place yesterday. It was a pool party. To clarify I live in cold wet Dublin not Florida. I don’t know what I was thinking. I saw the sign in the local pool offering pool parties, the cost was reasonable………I don’t know what I was thinking. From the beginning my husband said he wanted nothing to do with this. I ignored him. I also ignored the logistics of throwing a pool party for a load of 7 year olds. I booked it and gave it no more thought. Then I woke up yesterday morning and realised a load of seven year olds can’t get into a pool on their own. The husband realised this weeks ago. I did not allow my brain to go through with this train of thought.

Yesterday morning dawned, kids very excited about the party. The panic was setting in . I rang the pool, yes there would be lifeguards there, no they would not be in the pool, yes the  childs, whose party it is, parents should get in the pool. GULP.

I assessed the swimwear situation. My swimwear had been hiding in a drawer since last summer. Guess what has happened since last summer though? All the food has been eaten. By me.  Swim gear snugly in place we set of to the pool. I was calmed by the thoughts that the parents would drop the kids and leave and that it would be ok. I had even prepared an answer for when one of the kids asked me was I having another baby. I was going to use it as an opportunity to teach the kids on the dangers of takeaway food. The party would be entertaining and a learning experience. All sorted.

We got to the pool, the guests arrived, the kids were all excited. I chatted away to the parents and then realised they were all heading to the viewing area and not BACK TO THEIR CARS. The kids lined up ready to get into the pool, there was nothing left to do but take my clothes off, slap on the always attractive swim hat and bring them out. I peeked out. TEN of the parents had decided to stay and watch. This is a pool with only a pool, no fancy coffee shops , just a line of seats facing the pool. Nobody had a book or a newspaper, nobody took out a phone to scroll though, nobody was going to be that parent who is asked to put phone away in company of children in swimwear ( I have also been that parent by the way, was mortifying). There were only two parents who were going to be mortified this day. Me and the husband. He came out of the changing room and met me and the 15 kids in the pool. He was smiling away, to anybody else, it looked like he was fine. I knew though. I knew the look on his face meant he wanted to drown me.

“You ok?” I whispered to him whilst trying to convey how sorry I was I had gotten us into this situation.

He just grinned back inanely at me through gritted teeth.

He wisely thought an argument whilst half naked in front of the dressed parents of our daughters friends wasn’t the best move.

So we spent an hour lifting the kids on and off a water slide with our audience of ten dressed parents. Number of times my boob escaped from crappy too small swimwear: two. Could have been worse and nobody noticed. There was a giant clock, the minutes felt like hours and we splashed and splashed away. The kids loved it. The clock ticked around to the hour mark and the party was over. Not too bad after all, I thought to myself as I ever so gracefully got out of the pool on the side with no steps. Soooooo gracefully my swim shorts didn’t slip down and expose my big arse. Swear.

Into the changing room and the parents came in to help their kids get changed. I can’t blame them. I would do the same. The husband had escaped to the mens changing room in solitude, taking one of the swim bags with him. I stood there dripping wet with two towels for me and three kids. Soldered on, fielded questions from inquisitive kids about my bra, my boobs, where my pants were and on and on all whilst half-dressed while all the other parents were dressed. Got through it, got dressed, dispensed goodie bags and came home. Apologized profusely to the husband, received the praise and thanks from the 7 year old who had the “best party ever”. I apologised to the husband many many times and we agreed to just not discuss the horror that was the pool party ever again.

I am sharing this as a warning to other parents who may get sucked into thinking a party at the local pool is an affordable and fun party venue for their child.  Think long and hard about the logistics of such an event then think again.

World Meningitis Day 2013- Do you know the symptoms of Meningitis?

Today, April 24th, is World Meningitis Day.

I have no experience of Meningitis , thankfully, only hearing and reading about it. Some of these accounts had positive outcomes, some did not.

This infographic below shows some terrifying statistics about Meningitis in Ireland, including that Irish children are not protected against all types of Meningitis, bacterial meningitis and septicaemia kill more children under five than any other infectious disease in Ireland and that Ireland has the highest incidence of meningococcal disease in Europe, with over twice the average disease rate.

What can we do?  Be aware of the signs and symptoms. Despite reading this list many times in the seven years, since I have become a parent, there were several of the symptoms listed below I had forgotten about

• Fever
• Vomiting
• Severe headache
• Painfully stiff neck
• Sensitivity to light
• Very sleepy
• Confusion
• Seizures
• Non blanching rash (doesn’t disappear under pressure)

Sudden and aggressive, meningitis and septicaemia can kill within 24 hours of symptom onset.

This video from Meningitis: Keep Watching Ireland  gives more information.

Stay vigilant, know the symptoms and spread the word to other parents that Irish children are not protected against all types of meningitis.

Written in support of World Meningitis Day 2013 and the ‘Meningitis: Keep Watching Ireland’ campaign launched by Meningitis Research Foundation Ireland with support from Novartis Vaccines and Diagnostics Limited, which encourages parents to remain vigilant for the signs and symptoms of the disease.  

35 Things I Thought I Would Be Able To Do By 35

I am not 35 yet, there is still time. This is not a poor me post, there are plenty of things I can do and there is a full four months left for me to achieve the following:

 

 

 

 

1. Know what I want to be when I grow up.
2. Be able to apply make-up properly.
3. Have the ability to save.
4. Be able to grow things. With the exception of babies, I have never grown anything.
5. Be able to put up shelves, use a drill,  have general DIY esque skills.
6. Be able to go into a shop and buy a birthday card without it taking twenty minutes of deliberation.
7. Have the ability to hang clothes in a wardrobe regularly not just when the piles of clothes make me feel like I am a pathetic human being.
8. Have a hobby.
9. Be able to have hair that regularly behaves and looks neat when needed and to be able to keep the hair  for those whose hair I am responsible for ( my children) also neat when required. In summation the ability to be able to create proper pony tails and plaits.
10. To have the ability to remember to regularly buy milk, bread and toilet roll and other household necessities  and not just buy them when they have run out and I have already been to the shops.
11. To have the ability to tell left from right instantly.
12. To never wear track suit bottoms out side the comfort of my own home.
13. To know how to change a king size duvet cover without one corner being all bundled up and another corner empty.
14. To have learnt how to control my temper.
15. To realise crying and wailing will not get me my own way.
16. To realise eating a full bag of marshmallows will never make me feel better. It will only make me feel like I need to be rolled into the recovery position.
17. To realise the power of a good fitting bra.
18. To understand the importance and consequences of taking badly applied all make up off every night.
19. To realise what others think of me really isn’t that important.
20. Be able to go downstairs in the middle of the night without worrying that a serial killer was waiting there for me.
21. To have worked out if I am catholic or not.
22. To realise daily day  dreaming about how I am going to spend my Lotto winnings is not a practical use of my time.
23. To have a repertoire of meals I can cook rather than a handful.
24. To not really care if somebody calls unannounced and the house is a mess..
25. To realise that occasionally its ok to worry about cooking and cleaning and not have to question my feminist principles.
26. To realise that all dentists are not psychotic sado – masochist fiends who take pleasure from inflicting pain on innocent people.
27. To realise setting myself unachievable goals will only achieve me feeling like shite.
28. To realise I am probably not going to die by a plane crash and to believe the statistics that it is the safest way of flying.
29. To realise reckless spending is only a short-time high and won’t make life better.
30. To realise judging people on first impressions isn’t always correct.
31. To realise magic probably doesn’t really happen.
32. To realise alcohol doesn’t really agree with me.
33. Be the type of person who gets the car serviced when its due instead of when it starts making funny noises or just doesn’t start.
34. To have will power.
35. To have the ability to not curse when it is inappropriate to do so.

 

Obviously to be able to have top class  circus skills, an Oscar and the earning power to hire a full time driver would also be good but I never expected to have achieved that by 35, I will give myself till 50 to do that………

What did you think you would be able to do by the age you are now that you still can’t?

21 Questions For My Children

All of the following have happened in the last few days. Coincidentally I am home alone with the children for the last week. I have whole chunks of new grey hair and look five years older than I did a week ago. 

Dear Children,

1. Why would you throw a full toilet roll into the toilet and if you really had to would you not have flushed the toilet first?
2. Why would you put half a banana in your pocket?
3. Why would you think your doll needed my Elizabeth Arden 8 Hour Cream all over her body?
4. Why do you leave your schoolbag in the house every morning when we leave?
5. Why would you stab your mother with a scissors then get ridiculously freaked out by the sight of all the blood? If blood bothers you don’t stab people.
6. Why would you put a hat on the top of the sweeping brush so that when I walked into the kitchen I thought it was a man standing with his back to me?
7. Why ,after a lecture on why you should not put a banana in your pocket, the very next day put another half eaten banana in your pocket?
8. Why do you eat everything given to you in other people’s houses but only eat cheese or chocolate in your own?
9. Why is your new preferred insult to your sister ” You stupid woman”, where did these misogynist learnings come from?
10. Why do you think you will get away with drawing on the walls when the same colour marker is all over your hands?
11. Why are you all overcome with hunger and thirst the minute you get into bed at night?
12. Why would you climb into the tiny space under the stairs in the bathroom, close the door and sit in between the hoover and old paint silently until I am sitting on the toilet and then burst out screaming “Surprise” really loudly?
13. Why have you not tired of the One Direction cd yet? I did weeks ago.
14. Why do you think its a good idea to throw your sisters shoes out the window?
15. Why would put yogurt on the tv? Really what was the purpose? All it does  it obstruct your view and get you in trouble.
16. Why after getting a ring stuck on your finger that took twenty minutes to take off, would you put the same ring back on the same finger?
17. Why would you bring your sister upstairs and wash her hair with shampoo and conditioner but no water?
18. Why, on the first warm evening in six months so the windows were open, would you run through house screaming ” Not my bum, please do not touch my bum, PLEASE DON’T HURT MY BUM AGAIN” just because you saw me with sudocrem in my hand?
19. Why do you look at me with sympathy and explain in a soft voice that I don’t understand when we are doing YOUR homework, when  I am right and you are wrong?
20. Why would you put a teddy bear bunny in the fridge again after the last time? You saw my reaction when I thought it was a rat in the fridge yet you did it again, Why?
21. Why do you still think you can fly? If you jump off the bunk bed again we will end up back in the hospital like last.  You can’t fly. Stop telling me and other people you can. I am all on for imagination just do not test the theory and stop talking about testing the theory, its not good for me.

With Best Regards

Your Broken Mother