Do you know what a helicopter parent is? Wikipedia defines a Helicopter parent as a colloquial term for a parent who pays extremely close attention to their child’s or children’s experiences and problems, particularly at educational institutions. Are you one?
I don’t know if I am. I do think extreme parenting is more common place now though than in previous generations. What do you think a parent of small children 30 years ago would think of the following?
- Reading numerous books about pregnancy and then about babies. How to get them into routines, how to feed them, how to entertain them, how to stimulate them.
- Attending music or play classes with an infant.
- Over sharing photos and anecdotes about labour, sleepless nights, toilet training and funny things our kids say on Facebook.
- Driving our children everywhere. Walking them to the school gate and waiting there when they come out even as they reach double figures.
- Queueing in the middle of the night to ensure our child gets a place in the swimming class or tennis class or art class. ( True story, not something I could ever do myself, but, happens annually not far from here)
- Spending a fair proportion of free time driving children to said activities, waiting for them or volunteering in said activity.
- Monitoring everything our children do,everything.
The above are just a couple of things previous generations might scratch their head at. Do you do any of the above? I do and have done.
Three recent parenting stories that made headlines got me thinking. The first was the story of the mother who got her teenage son an iphone for Christmas. It came with a list of conditions. 18 of them. It’s a list explaining how he can and can not use the phone and how she will always know the password. Parents shared her list on social media. It popped up several times on my news feed and on different news sites that I read, with the general consensus seeming to be in agreement with her.
The second story was that of 21-year-old American student, Aubrey Ireland, who successfully obtained a stalking restraining order against her parents. She claimed her parents were stalking her and that as they were paying for her college fees they wanted to control her life. Ireland claimed that her mother has always been “overly involved” in her life and that her parents had been diagnosed with co-dependancy disorder. The judge agreed with Aubrey and the restraining order against her parents was granted. Another story that appeared around the world on news and social media sites with the general consensus being the parents were crazy. Apparently Aubrey Ireland’s mother used to Skype her in her dormitory through the night to ensure she was where she said she was. Extreme parenting at its strongest?
I am not condoning Aubrey Ireland’s parents actions. Clearly they need to step back from her life but I can also see how this situation ended up happening. It’s a leap to go from monitoring your teens internet and mobile phone usage as the parent with the 18 point condition list to Skyping your 21-year-old through the night to make sure she is where she says she is. A big leap from one to the other but I can see it happening and I also think this case of a restraining order against parents not being a one-off.
We talk and share and write about our children. We catalogue their achievements and their day-to-day activities. We drive them around.As they get older we monitor their online activity, read their text messages, check their email accounts?Then they are eighteen and we stop. Can you see why some people don’t stop and then bang next stop a restraining order. I can.
I have no plans to be Skyping my children in 15 years time checking their whereabouts. My youngest child will be 18 the same year I am 50. I have plans to spend my 50th birthday, child-free on a beach in Goa, dressed inappropriately and drinking inappropriately not monitoring my children. I’m hoping I’ll be helicoptering over cocktails not my kids and feel like I have done my job. That’s the plan anyway. Maybe Aubrey Ireland’s parents had similar plans though, that worries me.
The third story was that of American blogger Lisa Long. Lisa wrote a powerful blog post entitled “I am Adam Lanza’s Mother” in the wake of the Sandy Hook shootings. Her post is honest, heartbreaking and desperately sad. It is beautifully written. It tells her of her experience of life with her mentally ill teenage son. She changes his name in the blog to protect his anonymity but uses her own name, which cancels out her sons anonymity. This was another item that was shared on social media and news sites across the world. It was received with mixed reaction. It’s a powerful piece on an issue that needs more attention but what about her sons privacy? He is still a child, he didn’t give permission for it to be told but its Lisa Longs story too, should she have blogged anonymously? I am sure she had no idea her story would be read across the world when she wrote it but it has.
Again this is an extreme example but what are our children going to think in 15 -20 years time? Are they going to enjoy looking back at our Facebook posts about their day-to-day lives? Facebook may be gone but once something is on the internet it can always be found again. Are they going to laugh at the stories or be embarrassed that their mother or father put a photograph on the internet of them doing something the parents deemed as cute but they might deem as horrifying? Do we need to be more aware of their privacy?
Or am I over thinking of all of this in true over thinking over extreme parenting time style? When I was my six I walked home from school with friends. The thoughts of my tiny six-year-old walking home from school with friends fills me with fear. Granted there is a lot more traffic on the roads than 30 years ago but there is no less amount of weirdo’s around, we are probably just more aware of potential danger , whether its real or not. Maybe its time, as she approaches her seventh birthday, to give her a bit more freedom. Let her leave my line of vision for a few minutes a day or maybe it’s not. Again maybe I am over thinking. I am going to get on my helicopter and move off a bit though, for their sake and for mine.
An anonymous quote sums up what I hope to achieve as a parent
There are but two lasting bequests we can give our children. One is roots, the other, wings.
I’ve got the roots sorted. I need to start thinking about the wings more.
Great post! I do think the same way… at 50 I also want to be in Goa sipping cocktails LOL…
I scoffed when I read the bit about the teenager and the iPhone rules and then I clicked through to the link and read them. I think they are extremely sensible and probably excellent rules for all smartphone users and not just teens! I also think she’s spot on about how his social media activity now has the potential to have extremely negative affects on his adult life in the future. I actually see this as a huge problem we’re going to have in society in a few years time. Think of that KPMG Daddy’s girl recently for example…a stupid drunk conversation that should have been completely forgotten will be discovered by future employers when they google her before offering a job and a character assessment will be made…
I have a healthy fear of social media myself and its potential pitfalls even though I use it liberally. When my son was born, we were one of those annoying couples who insisted that no one publish photos of him online and we continue to do so. He is his own person who deserves to choose how his image is represented in public. I don’t think I’ll regret that decision. Loads of people will disagree with me and I have no issue with other people doing differently, it’s just the right thing for us.
…But on the helicopter thing, I completely agree. I remember we used to run out the front door in the morning as kids and wouldn’t come back until we were hungry and my parents wouldn’t have any idea where we were or how to contact us. It was good for us and we were never in any danger. Personally I can’t imagine being that parent and I don’t like it! What has the world done to us??
Totally hear you, only I have a similar but not the same issue – helicopter grandparents!!! Haven’t let go of their 35 year old son and certainly not letting go of the firstborn grandchild!
Lol! But also oh no!
Oh great post. really enjoyed this.I am like you and where you want to be when you 50!
Letting go doesn’t have to mean cutting off, but it should start when the child is younger than the ‘magic number 18′, which was 21 when my sister decided she to suddenly do the opposite of our mother’s values.(Which is another story altogether).
However,appropriateness for said ‘child’ or situation simply means using common sense, what some of these parents seem to lack or fear they have not taught the children to use.There are more weirdos out there, but 50 years ago when I was 7 my mother walked me to and from school as we passed a wooded area and we had a resident rapist in the neighborhood, underage, who’d be ‘sent away’ for a while and then sent back.Many people never knew he was the culprit; many people did not know there was a ‘problem out there’.
It’s a call that we have to do our best using our sense and knowledge of each individual child and the situation.Unfortunately, there doesn’t seem to be much ‘happy medium’, you have your handful of helicopters, but you have more ‘ignorance is bliss’ parents who only hope for the best and don’t know what’s going on with their children, or those who are simply over-whelmed or self-absorbed to find out.Life is hard for parents, but more so for the kids who don’t learn to make decent judgments, at least , most of the time,
I often wonder if this generation will be significantly different as adults from all the generations before it whose parents didn’t have the benefit of all our reading and obsessing and psychologising… not that I’m knocking mindful parenting, but I suspect there won’t be that much difference in the long run, much as I’d like to think we’ll jointly eradicate selfish behaviour and physical violence from future humans. I think “parenting” has really become an industry now, between the consumerism and the competitiveness and the opportunities for guilt – it’s the new aerobics, maybe.
I try to practice something my friend calls “benign neglect” – which means having a nice cup of tea and a chat while our children sort out their own differences without adult intervention. We try to do this at least twice a week.
I enjoyed your blog but will have to confess to being one of those parents. I have two adult children and two young autistic ones living at home and it has only recently come to my attention how over involved I have been in their lives (the adult children). It has actually been liberating letting go and has freed up more time to focus on the young boys and Me Time.
I feel the same way. My sister and I used to ride my bike through the whole neighborhood unaccompanied, and now I won’t let the kids walk around the block. What is the world coming to??? I too am a helicopter mom, and I agree–on some things, we need to let them “fly”. Then again, there is a lot out there to entice them nowadays that our parents didn’t have–internet, phones, iPods, easy access to graphic images through the same and through TV, more variants of drugs, new weapons, less manners and morals. So maybe it’s one of those things where you have to weigh the consequences. Good post though.
I often find myself these days, veering dangerously into “when I was a kid…” territory. Do I think we coddle our kids too much these days? Hell, yes. Do I think they are going to ultimately suffer from it? Probably. Will we be spending untold amounts of money on therapy and lawyers to defend ourselves against restraining orders? Could well be. I also think the iPad is going to be the downfall of civilization. Mark my words. I write a lot about this stuff too, (a few months ago I wrote about Extreme Housewifery–the extension of that is of course, Extreme Parenting) it’s always good to have my own ideas validated by others–then I don’t feel so crazy!