I don’t know what is wrong with me but I generally lose my sense of general cop on when I’m pregnant and go to great lengths to embarrass myself. I wrote about in the past how I rocked up to be induced on my first child wearing inappropriate underwear which I forgot to take of, 8 years later and now on my 4th baby and I haven’t gotten any better.
All my ante-natal appointments have been first thing on a Monday morning. At all of both my midwife and doctors appointments I have dressed inappropriately. I should know better. I have repeatedly struggled to pull up tight dresses to unveil my bump whilst also unveiling tights caught halfway down my legs during this pregnancy. This thing is the midwife and/or doctor probably wouldn’t even have noticed but I feel the need to point it out. Every time.
I have loads of normal mammy sensible comfy knickers. Plain black. Are they ever to hand the mornings I am rushing out to an ante natal appointment? No, they are not. What I end up wearing are Penney’s knickers that cost .50c and have ridiculously inappropriate slogans written across the crotch of them. Again the midwives probably wouldn’t notice should trivial matters until I point it out. One midwife however when monitoring the baby’s heartbeat a couple of months ago did actually ask me what was written on my knickers. “Eh I’m not sure” was my reply. She squinted at them while I lay there and said “Ah truth or dare”. “Right” said I. Totally appropriate knickers for an ante natal appointment. I then launched into a five minute case for cheap Penney’s underwear. The midwife wanted to hear my baby’s heartbeat not my thoughts on cheap knickers.
I took it to a whole new level though last week. I ended up in hospital suddenly, a small glitch in my till now normal pregnancy ( all is fine, baby is fine, I am fine). Anyway I was lying there on a bed in a delivery room hooked up to a trace. A team of doctors came in to assess me. One of them asked me had I had sex in the last 48 hours. I had already had this conversation twice with two separate midwives. What I should have replied with was “No” and left it that. I didn’t though. I was nervous. I had been admitted to delivery ward two months before my baby was due so off my mouth ran. Instead of just a “No I haven’t”, I launched into a full three-minute monologue on how and why I hadn’t had sex in the previous two days. I mentioned the fact my husband was out of the country. I then continued on to state how I wasn’t having an affair and continued with I wouldn’t ever have an affair but especially not at 7 months pregnant and sure who would want to have sex with me, the size of me and on and on and on I went. At first the doctors were kind of looking at me, then they were looking at each other, then they were looking at the floor. I even threw in a few lame jokes. They didn’t laugh. They didn’t stop me and even though I was screaming at myself in my head to shut the fuck up talking, I didn’t. I went on and on until finally I had exhausted the topic and had nothing else to say about my non-existent sex life and I stopped. The doctor said right thanks , ticked something on his clipboard and off they went.
It wasn’t great, It wasn’t great at all.