The Time I Bought A Life Size Giraffe

How do you feel about cuddly toys? Probably the same way I do. They just gather dust and there are too many of them both in my house and in the world in general. I could try to blame this on my child or Amazon or Santa but it’s all my own fault.

So last November I let the then four-year old write a Santa letter for the new child as she was six months old and couldn’t write it herself. She asked Santa would he please bring her baby sister a walker activity yokey and a surprise and a giraffe called Jack. Random. So that was fine. Roll on a few weeks later and I w as SUCKED IN to Black Friday week on Amazon. Happily buying random useless crap because it had 75% off and up popped an upcoming deal of a giraffe. Serendipity. Wonderful. I was online, there was a giraffe. It was on my list. Ideal. There are no second chances with Black Friday shopping. I had 14 minutes to complete the transaction.

Picture 1. A cute toy giraffe.

Picture 1. A cute toy giraffe.

I looked at the picture, pressed buy now and was successful. The giraffe was mine. Then I looked at the second picture.

jack 2

Picture 2. A cute toy giraffe THAT IS LIFE SIZE.


Yes that’s a toddler that the giraffe is towering over. I scrolled back and read the description and asked the husband what height 120cms was. He told me about to my shoulder, roughly 4 feet. Bollox. The conversation that took place when I explained that I had accidentally purchased a life-size baby giraffe was interesting………There was a good few “what the fuck is wrong with you?” thrown in.

Of course, he arrived in early December when all the kids where home in a box that was bigger than me and resembled a coffin. The UPS man looked at me like the fool that I am when I signed for it. The kids asked what it was and I explained it was for the neighbour. The packaging was plain. The eldest helpfully pointed out that our neighbour was in fact home so I immediately left with the box to drop “her” parcel in. The neighbour looked at me like the fool that I am.

That night, under the cover of darkness, the husband transported Jack in his coffin to his parents house to hide out there till Christmas. I can imagine the look he got from them probably one that conveyed what type of fool did you marry?

Then I started to worry that Jack would overshadow everyone else’s gifts so obviously had to go and buy more presents to over compensate in the true spirit of Christmas. Jack ,the bargain buy, ended up costing a ridiculous amount of money.


So roll on Christmas morning. Jack was standing proudly in the middle of the room waiting to be adored.

jack 3

Turns out the seven month old hadn’t a notion what was happening on Christmas morning which isn’t really surprising considering she was seven months old.

This is her festive WTF IS GOING ON face

This is her festive WTF IS GOING ON face

Jack didn’t really raise an eyebrow from anyone. Even the dog wasn’t bothered by him. The kids thought he was cool then stepped around him to resume playing with their toys. Literally stepped around him. He takes up a fair bit of space. We thought maybe the baby was just overwhelmed but even a few days later she was still just not that interested in him. I would  go as far as to say, she might have been sniggering at me not with me as I walked around with him trying to do giraffe sounds. ( If anyone knows what giraffe sounds sound like please let me know)

There is an eye roll happening here.

There is an eye roll happening here.

Jack took up too much space and now lives upstairs. He moves from room to room. Every time I walk into a bedroom and see him I jump. Every time he catches me  by surprise and for a nanosecond I think there is a real animal standing in my kids room. Then I remember, it’s just Jack. He has proved to be good at one thing- me sitting on him and running around singing is guaranteed to make a small child laugh when they are in a bad mood, again at me, not with me.

He is currently residing beside the window in the eldest’s room. People walking past stop and take a second look. I saw a car slow down the other day to take a closer look. People think, on first glance, that he is real. He’s not though  he is just a ridiculously big cuddly toy taking up a huge amount of space in an already cramped house.  You’d think on my fourth child I would know better. In time she might grow to like him. Maybe. He is cute,   ridiculously fucking big but cute.


About The Clothesline

30 +, Husband, three little girls, one little boy, one dog. Overdrawn, overtired, overemotional and overwhelmed most of the time.
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25 Responses to The Time I Bought A Life Size Giraffe

  1. My daughter (now six) has a huge red donkey that we somehow acquired when she was two. I’ve tried so many times to get rid of it but it’s still here… the garage.

  2. lisa says:

    I laughed out loud numerous times and then passed it to himself, who did the same. Brilliant. I’m sure she will grow to love the new family pet in time 😛 maybe use him as a clothes horse (clothes giraffe?) in the mean time?

  3. We have flown back from Ireland on various occasions with a giant hedgehog and a giant alligator. My in-laws do it on purpose.

  4. hypedad says:

    Yeah, we got that same one. It makes a photo bomb appearance in our pregnancy time lapse video. Ours was a gift, but we did register for it. And we got that same creepy coffin box.

  5. I’m pissing myself laughing here. Jack is cute though!!

  6. whereismymindgone says:

    Hahaha this is brilliant, they had one of these in our local toy shop last year and I loved it, I went to buy it for Ella but himself said no cause like that he was fecking huge, I still wish I got him though lol

  7. Laughing my butt off right now. Oddly enough, we have one too, except it’s not because I got trigger happy on Black Friday, it’s because of my overzealous mother-in-law who got sucked in to the jungle theme and bought the giant giraffe AND a giant tiger for the baby’s room (I think I should also mention that she knew they were huge). The tiger spent the first six months of my son’s life in the storage room downstairs. When I finally brought it up, it took my son a week before he stopped crying and clawing at me each time he saw it. I managed to stuff the giraffe between the dresser and the wall i the baby’s room. It is also looking out of the window…

  8. momsranting says:

    My god, I’ve seen that big giraffe. Standing in a store while I was vacationing in Las Vegas. Would have bought him if I didn’t have to fly him back home. I felt like my house would be so much better with a big stuffed giraffe. I must have missed that deal on Amazon. I’m a little jealous right now.

  9. Deb says:

    Hilarious! My Dad bought the girls a giant tiger each. Up until recently they lived in their house so it was fine. Somehow one got smuggled in here a few weeks ago and it terrifies me every single time. No one takes any notice of it but the new dog who is not very bright. Sigh.

    Christine that reminds me of trying to take a hurl back to America as kids. It did not go over well at immigration.

  10. office mum says:

    We have a life-size baby unicorn called Sparkle for the last seven years who moves from room to room. We sit on her too (it’s definitely a her apparently) for story-time, so she’s a bit flat now. Easier with a unicorn than a giraffe though…

  11. Hahaha, this made me laugh out loud! This is definitely the sort of thing I would do!

  12. Laura says:

    My friends have this very same giraffe except they call it Jemima. At Christmas they hang baubles from her ears. She’s very much a part of the family. Maybe she and Jack could get it on?!

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  14. Kiri says:

    That has made me laugh out loud, my husband just asked what was so funny. I love it.

  15. speccy says:

    This is wonderful. I had to wipe the tears away at the end of each paragraph. Jack is a fully fledged family member 🙂

  16. I love it when other people “buy the Jack” (we should make that a new slang phrase). It reminds me that I am not alone in this crazy world. Still giggling, great post.
    BTW- I have a couple of Jacks in my life too. Don’t worry, all my neighbors know what a fool I am and they love me anyway. And who can pass up the deal of a lifetime that just happens to expire before you have time to do any research?
    Not I.

  17. Susie Chopstick says:

    Oh dear, I feel your pain. We had a giant teddy from a relative when we were kids. I mean GIANT. He was filled with little polystyrene balls so he leaked, copiously, after about a month. We called him Harvey after the giant invisible rabbit in the James Stewart movie of the same name. Harvey was my baby sister’s. I am sorry to say this but he didn’t leave the house until she did – to go to college!

  18. This is so funny. Followed a link from “My Days in NI” for #littlelove link up. I have bought a couple things online before and have been shocked by the size. Thank you for sharing your story with us.

  19. Muuka says:

    This is hilarious, and so well written. You can make it a family heirloom, passed down from generation to generation, with this blogpost in a locket around Jack’s neck. 😀

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